Twist Street

Sam Westing, Barney Northrup, Sandy McSouthers, Julian R. Eastman, & Me

Posts tagged the charlie brooker tag

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David Cameron can walk into your house and watch you sleeping whenever he wants.

Seriously, thanks to the Drip bill he can do that now. So he does, nightly. He stands at the foot of your bed, shrouded in gloom, his glassy eyes glinting coldly in the midnight blue, twin machined pupils mercilessly trained on your slumbering form; his sentinel’s glare drilling into your back, your shoulders, directly into the vulnerable side of your face as your head pivots uneasily on your pillow, your sleep disturbed by troublesome sensations, your dreams gradually infused with the bitter scent of a faraway fire, a smouldering pit of skull and bone. Slowly, you become aware of the mounting weight of a scream that has lasted for ever; here, now, enveloping you and the building entire. You jerk upright and snap on the light and, to your horror, he’s there – he’s really there. And, to your greater horror, he doesn’t leave. Cameron merely stands there, unblinking, looking at you. Looking through you, past you, into the never. In a hundred years you may come to realise that time itself has frozen and this moment is all that’s left, for eternity. But right now there’s only howling. Your own demented, desperate howling.

That’s clause nine.
Charlie Brooker, on the UK’s “Data Retention and Investigatory Powers” legislation, known as the Drip bill(?).

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Other experiments Facebook has been conducting in secret almost certainly include the following:

1) Dishonestly convincing a randomly targeted user that one of their siblings has just died, in order to see what their face does. Conclusion: it leaks fluid from the nasolacrimal ducts and emits an ape-like cry believed to denote personal anguish.

2) Secretly activating random users’ webcams in the runup to bedtime to determine what a human being looks like when it sheds its external fabric layer.

3) Dispatching an intern to kidnap and blindfold a random user, drag them to a forest, force them at gunpoint to dig their own grave, shoot them in the back of the head, cover the body with soil, drive away at speed and lie low in a motel for a few weeks to discover if they’re really cut out for this shit.

4) Igniting a global race war using animated gifs.
Charlie Brooker.

Filed under the charlie brooker tag insomniyeah!

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[Good Morning Britain host] Susanna Reid has legs, but unlike most people, her legs aren’t merely articulated flesh banisters used for transporting her from one tiny section of planet to another, but emblematic totems by which she must be judged. The problem was that for the bulk of the show’s first edition, they were hidden behind scenery. Some viewers, infuriated at having their early-morning masturbatory plans thwarted, reportedly complained that this was like “buying a Ferrari and keeping it in the garage”, which is odd because I thought it was more like hiring a journalist and seating her at a desk.
Charlie Brooker on UK media news. I just like “articulated flesh banisters.” Also, apparently that racist Top Gear guy is just flat-out using the n-word now, which is bad timing because he’s still in trouble for using racial slurs about Chinese people. So.

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Now, here, in the present day, it’s clear the internet wasn’t a fad. More or less everything else was. Newspapers, for instance. They used to be sombre dossiers issued each morning, bringing grave news from Crimea. Now they’re blizzards of electric confetti, bringing The Ten Gravest Crimean Developments You Simply Won’t Believe. The art of turning almost any article of interest into a step-by-step clickbait walkthrough has been perfected to the point where reading the internet feels increasingly like sitting on the (toilet) in the 1980s reading a novelty book of showbiz facts that never fucking ends. This trend will only continue. In five years’ time, all news articles will consist of a single coloured icon you click repeatedly to make info-nuggets fly out, accompanied by musical notes, like a cross between Flappy Bird and Newsnight. Even a harrowing report on refugees fleeing a warzone will cynically draw you in by promising to show you a famous person’s bum after every 85th click. And it will succeed.
Charlie Brooker. (via nedhepburn)

(via nedhepburn)

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supervillain:

Weekly Wipe season 2 episode 4

Finally!  Best thumbnail…

(I was really productive a moment ago, having a really productive Friday night, getting things done, making things happen, living life, texting friends, being a person.  But then: hello, internet.  Where did the last half-hour go?  Where am I?  Is that a fire?  FIRE).

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This was a year in which the most significant global cultural development was “twerking” going mainstream. Twerking effectively consists of bending over and shuddering your buttocks around until they start applauding sarcastically, like someone trying to use a vibrating squat toilet. It’s the most proctological dance craze there is.
Charlie Brooker.

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Charlie Brooker’s 2013 Wipe.

Not living in the UK, it’s always fascinating that Ed Miliband is a real person and not some elaborate Sascha Baron Cohen character, but man, we didn’t get Godfrey Bloom over here— holy shit.  Or that montage for Charles Ramsey— I’d forgotten all about that.   Also: dogging.

Most importantly, Philomena Cunk and Barry Shitpeas on that stupid Russell Brand interview!!

(Here’s this year’s Big Fat Quiz— those can be iffy but Richard Ayoade and Noel Fielding are a funny duo sometimes; plus, Kristen Schaal this year; not a Jimmy Carr fan, though).

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