Posts tagged I am Pointless!
Posts tagged I am Pointless!
I had an idea where I thought, oh hey, I could spend a whole day pretending Alf had died. Just as a way of making “haha internet people creep me out with how they react when celebrities die" psuedo-jokes. Just dumb stuff, just to amuse myself. I don’t know if it’d have been funny, or anything. Anyways, googled the idea after making the "horrible drawing of Alf on a cloud crying" image (which is the worst part when celebrities die, the weird gross fan-art, all the terrible bathroom paintings of crying cartoon characters and space-angels or whatever). I found two separate websites with “Alf is dead” gags. So it’d been done before (twice!), and respectfully, they both weren’t that funny, so it probably wasn’t a good idea to begin with….? It probably was pretty hack to begin with, Alf jokes. I don’t know. Killed my “enthusiasm” for it.
I don’t know what the moral of the story is, but the silver lining is it turns out I’m one of America’s greatest painters of Dead Alf Fan-Art! I learned that about myself. I’m pretty humble about it, but I’m also having a crown made. But a humble crown— no diamonds encrusted into the crown, just emeralds and rubies.
Pro-tip: if the internet ever yells about what a bad person you are— and it probably will at some point in some kind of Andy Warhol “in the future, the internet will hate us all for 15 minutes" kind of way… But if that happens? Just wait, quietly, quiet as a mouse, and then check in every so often with those exact same people, with what they’re talking about when the topic has changed and they’re no longer performing who they think they are for their little twitter friends. Eventually, whatever they were saying, they’ll end up saying the exact opposite of that when it’s more popular to do so. Drink that in, and then lean back in your chair and whisper “I won.” Never tell anyone that you won— just go to the grave nestled in a warm blanket of super-smug satisfaction. Also, don’t go to a grave— get cremated— that’s a no-brainer. And maybe thinking about living in a teepee because it’s better in a lot of ways. Also: learn to make ice sculptures like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day— more people should know how to do that— boy, that’d be a neat skill to have.
(This isn’t about that dumb noise the other day; this is about an older thing because I don’t let things go like a healthy person does, but oh god, the satisfaction— it’s so *pure*— the purity of it— this is what making out with Gidget must have been like. Harlan Ellison used to talk about how he wanted to date Sally Field back in the day because he wanted “to fuck the Flying Nun”— I get that. I get that on many different levels).
A Thing I Get Annoyed About Myself For Doing, Episode 12 Billion and Four: There’s been all these announcements in the Nerdy-Nerd World about ladies becoming the Thor or there being a black Captain America or whatever. And I do this thing in my head that I find really annoying when I catch myself doing it of… When This or That gets announced, I imagine that there are Other People in the World who I don’t know and can’t see and will never meet, but that in my head I imagine are quite cross about the various goings-ons. Ooooh they’re very upset, these hypothetical people who I imagine are very likely to exist! And I’m, like… happy about that because I don’t like those people who I have made up in my mind (or I imagine I wouldn’t like them even though I have liked all sorts of people who I don’t agree with on stuff, throughout my life)…?
And when it’s race or lady stuff, like with this week, I may not even be wrong— I could probably find some sum certain of these people if I, like, lifted up a rock in some dark place where I know things grow under rocks or if I got a twitter account, if that’s how I lived my life. But having not done that, having them exist in a purely hypothetical Schrodinger’s Cat kind of existence in my mind, it’s just… It just puts me in an obnoxious place where I’m in my head judging people who I myself have created for the purpose of judging them…? If I had dice, I could at least tell myself I’m playing some kinda rad one-man Dungeons & Dragons game, but I got no dice!
It’s not just nerdy stuff. I do this every week after I watch John Oliver’s show (which I love)— I get this smug feeling of “Oh, well I bet there were people who didn’t know about that subject" or with the income inequality one especially, like "Oh I bet he’s certainly upset some people who deserve it, goshdarnit"… Which… What? Who do I think subscribes to HBO??? What kind of unwashed yokels do I think are watching that show besides me? People watching HBO news-oriented comedies are probably a bunch of people with opinions on the best way to eat wine and cheese- people more sophisticated than me who understand what the deal is with chartecuriess at restaurants. I don’t know what the hell chartecuries are or how I’m supposed to order on that part of a menu— I always get really confused and feel lost as a person when I see those on menus at restaurants. (I could just ask a waiter but I don’t know— I’ve just never done that— too much pride— restaurant pride…?). But, yeah, everybody else who has HBO and watches John Oliver is probably way better than me at being a person. Who am I making up in my head???
(Except the people who watch True Blood. Because come on...)
I’m mentally yelling at everything I see on the internet today. I spent my lunch break yelling in my head at a video essay about Edgar Wright movies. What? Who cares? Why would a person bother getting upset about that?! Over breakfast, I was yelling at a well-meaning tumblr post about rape culture or whatever written probably by some kind of young moppet person that … you know, had its heart in the right place, but was kinda asinine. That’s not the first time I’ve ever seen that— sometimes good people wanting good things maybe don’t make the world’s very bestest arguments…? What’s the harm? I’m not rooting against those people! Why would anyone root against the Bad News Bears? And it just kinda went downhill from there. There were a couple times I was no exaggeration yelling in my head at people literally saying nice things about their own friends, just inartfully…? What? Who does that? That’s not normal! Uh, also, at one point, some tumblr-er put a photo of themselves as a baby on the internet, and I said mean things in my head about their use of hash tags…? I mind-yelled at a baby photo— am I proud of that moment? Fine, I’m the villain of this story— I’m the Magneto (and not in a comic-book-fans-will-constantly-compare-me-to-Malcolm-X kind of way… you know, like usual…).
Fun-fact: at no point did it occur to me to stop looking at the internet! Does that make me some kind of American hero? Like from folklore, like a modern day John Henry: The Steel Driving Man? I don’t want to humblebrag, but definitely— it definitely makes me that. In my hero’s journey, yelling at the hashtags on a baby photo is what Joseph Campbell would describe as “The Road of Trials”. After that, Campbell says that the next stage of my Journey is to be a training montage set in the woods. So I’ve got that to look forward to. I’m going to learn kung-fu, everybody! YAY! Cue theme song: PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT… LIIIIIIMMIIIIIIT.
I went over to GQ to read about Louis CK. That is such a weird magazine, GQ. As a straight person, I don’t really feel like I’m GQ’s target audience— but then something about GQ makes it seem like it’s pretending that I’m in its target audience, which I find… just very odd. GQ’s picking a “Woman of the Week”? Uh, why? ”Our Woman of the Week is a Hypothetical Concept"— I bet it is GQ. GQ’s article on threesomes— the first thing you see is a photo of a woman standing outside of a diner where three ripped men are hanging out with each other, wearing sleeveless shirts…? I’ve been more convinced watching Def Jam comedians doing impressions of what white people sound like using the telephone.
There’s an article about topless ladies in Hollywood movies that’s like sub-Mr-Skin level jokes (example: Wild Things, “For once, Matt Dillon’s trademark dumbfounded expression seems justified, in the face of Denise Richards’s…well, er, wild things”)…? But it sounds like someone put a Maxim article through Google Translate and it came out sort of off and wrong… Example, Phoebe Cates in Fast Times: ”The cable arts channel Bravo included this scene in its Sexiest Moments in Film—in which the model-pundit Roshumba Williams helpfully explained, ‘In the male world, boobs are huge.’” Bravo Channel??? ”Model-pundit”-??? There’s a photo of Glenn Close topless in this article…?
I just never really understand what GQ is pretending to be, or why. I guess it’d be potentially offensive to just flat-out say “it’s a gay publication” because what does that even mean. (Well, I once got a gay publication in the mail sent to me by accident— it was just wall-to-wall naked men, doing Superman-poses next to, like, doric columns, ancient greek shit. Pretty sure I can safely descibe that as “gay publication”…? Maybe? I don’t even know what’s offensive or not anymore— thanks, tumblr). This is probably offensive to say anything about because sexuality is a nebulous sprinkler that we should all run through like children running through a sprinkler, or whatever the appropriate metaphor is, and we shouldn’t draw hard borders around things and what have you. I agree with all that. But I don’t know. It’s just a weird magazine— GQ’s just weird.
Work giving me a headache; reading people react to the M’Lady sketch from Inside Amy Schumer, and this 2012 Boing Boing expose on “why fedoras gross out geekdom" ("The problem is that the fedora has become a go-to accessory for a peculiar subculture of love-entitled male nerds whose social inexperience and awkwardness manifests in a world rocked by a gender revolution—a tectonic shift in the makeup of formerly cloistered, rule-bound clubs”). If you google fedoras, Google automatically suggests that you also want to look at neckbeards… No hesitation from The Goog on the neckbeard thing.
I don’t know— I’m a pretty awkward guy with a fairly-to-severely unhealthy predilection for peculiar sub-cultures, but … I guess I’ve never really been a hat guy. I tried to wear a baseball cap for a few months in college; didn’t take; felt wrong. (I don’t really see guys wear those anymore, but I don’t hang out at Q’s or wherever— maybe I’m in the wrong neighborhood…) It’s just weird that as a society, we’ve designated an Official Hat for Self-Deluded Masculinity or whatever you want to call it, though. That’s got an Official Hat…? How many categories of people have Official Hats? (Well, there’s certain kinds of caps that I kinda mentally associate with marijuana, but… so two for me, at least two). Still. That’s weird. How weird is that? And like, got to wonder, like, hey, maybe I am one of those guys and I just haven’t known it this whole time because I wasn’t wearing the right hat. Cut to me on a full moon, putting on a fedora in a mirror and saying Bloody Mary three times, and then Bloody Mary shows up and I try to awkwardly purchase her a libation…? Scary thought. (Is that what that movie Oculus is about? I just like that they made a named Oculus… really? Oculus? I guess). I’ve never really gotten to know me, I guess, which is probably for the best…
When did all the bacon become “applewood bacon?” What’s that about? The Applewood family must be rolling in the dough— they must be a cruel and Ming-like dynasty. House Applewood. The bacon must flow… I don’t know. We’re all so fucking impressed with ourselves.
Just No Sleep Till Brooklyn. Needed to hear that— felt like sharin’. Sharin’ and carin’, yep. Sharin’ … and … carin’… That’s the name of the creepy nursery school I’m going to open when I become a Nightmare on Elm Street style child murderer. Slow zoom in on a dilapidated nursery school sign where the g’s have all fallen off and a single high-pitched piano key plays repetitively and maybe there’s a pig squealing sound buried in the mix somewhere…? That kind of thing? (I shouldn’t even joke about that— not the child murder part; Freddy. I don’t want to have Freddy dreams by accident. Freddy used to scare the crap out of me when I was a little kid — you know, looking back, I think a lot of it was that fucking striped sweater he would wear. Say what you will about finger-knives and burnt skin and everything, but man, that was one scary article of clothing, at least pre-grunge… Was grunge about ambitious Seattle youths trying to out-Kreuger one another? Who’s to say? I guess we’ll never know. ”Cosby vs. Freddy: The Post-Colonial Dialectic of the 80’s as Reflected in Sweater Choices" was the title of my thesis, back at the academy. I don’t know— grown man wearing a sweater like that? Off-putting fashion choice, child-murderer Freddy Kreuger. Also he said bitch a lot, and you know… that kind of attitudes towards women is pretty scary, too, you guys… In a way, the patriarchy is the scariest nightmare there is on Elm Street, if you think about it… then again, I think there were some moms in that crowd that burnt Freddy alive so I don’t know, maybe that’s unfair to … wes craven or johnny depp or whoever… Robert Englund was on V and that show had that crazy lizard lady eating those rats or whatever— she was pretty bad-ass (Diane? Diana?). So, yeah, in conclusion: the 1980’s…a confusing time for our country… the loss of innocence… summer becoming spring becoming autumn… Regrets becoming love becoming infatuation… Let’s never fall asleep again as a country, on the way to our own personal Brooklyn’s… Goddamn, is it too late to get a job as an Apprentice Braveheart? This just feels right. Oh whoops I never ended the parentheses).
I was feeling stuck in a rut musically (same old music means same old thinking), so this last go round, I burned a CD of classic heavy metal, country and soul music. I’ve liked a reasonable but probably limited quantity of metal over the years; I like Kris Kristofferson and some Johnny Cash; I liked the Jackie Brown soundtrack or whatever. But you know, stuff I just don’t normally go to, not stuff completely out of my comfort zone (not world music) but just a little bit outside my norm.
Anyways, I’ve had a very long day and I’m working late so I just thought I’d take a moment during my break here, something that’s been bugging me that… I don’t know— the weird thing about switching between classic metal, country and soul is just how I associate certain sounds with certain shit, for no reason. Like, twingly-twang-twang-twang is the Official Sound of the Woes of the Regrettably Impoverished Caucasian…? Why? That’s just kind of weird, right? Or Ch-ch-ch-ch-DRRRR-DRRRRM is the sound of dudes who are into hearing about pentagrams or ancient Tolkein-novel dwarven races or something…? Why did ch-ch-ch-ch-DRRR-DRRRRM end up being the official sound of pentagrams, instead of being the sound of African American Ladies Demanding Respect from the World??
(Granted, if that’s what I heard in my head when African American ladies demanded respect, it would be terrifying. They would be the scariest broads there ever was. R-e-s-p-e-c-t, Satan).
If we were to have you listen to Motorhead and Willie Nelson back-to-back, and have you draw what went through your head when you heard each, I would be willing to bet at least $10 which of those drawings would have an exhaust pipe or a dead wooly mammoth or a skeleton waving a sword at Mordor or whatever drawn in them. Why? Why is that? It’s just sounds. When did sounds get assigned like that? Granted, both drawings would have some overly-sexualized drawings of ladies in cut-off jeans and “smoke weed every day” written on them in crayon somewhere. I guess the greater point is that you’re really a lousy artist…? Or we’re all part of some big human family. I don’t know— maybe it’s all in my head… Probably it’s all in my head…?
More importantly: “I have a bandanna exactly like the one willie is wearing in this video” — more important is my slow awakening to the fact that I haven’t spent nearly enough time reading youtube comments to country music songs. Time to add a lucky #6 to my Regret List!
Former Governor Jesse the Body Ventura. Had a panic thing at 11:30 about a work thing I wasn’t sure if I’d forgotten or if it was a next week thing (and my iphone calendar’s on the fritz)(I had it in my head as a next week thing but I had that voice go “wait, what if I got it wrong” just as I was going to bed, which I knew would keep me up) so I went back to the office— turns out it’s a next week thing, so… victory is mine…? Anyways, bonus to the whole thing: finding out that the Body’s dropping truth bombs on the AM Dial at midnight. I mean, I imagine he taped it earlier and that he’s not burning the midnight oil, talking about Kennedy and the media or whatever. (That’s nearer to an exact quote than the last quote— after he said that I stopped at a light and repeated what he said into my iPhone. Self-Improvement!)
Lady called in asking whether it was okay that all her neighbors who are growing pot are growing during a drought. Jesse set her straight. Then, the host of whatever show this was (who I think referred to himself as “the boy who died and then lived” which… is that a Harry Potter thing??? Is Jesse Ventura lighting up the AM Dial talking to Harry Potter? I hope so!) asked him why he wouldn’t run for President like the American people want. (Actual answer: because Jesse can’t help himself but tell the american people the truth, and sometimes the President has to lie… I thought it was well-reasoned). (I’ve never wanted to call into a radio show in my life— I wonder if radio producers ever stare at comment sections below Huffington Post articles or whatever, and are like “You stole all our callers, you Greek robot Skynet sons of bitches! Person of Interest is right!" Probably.) In conclusion: Speciiiiiiaaaaaal mommmmeeennnnnts in all of our lives…
I can’t promise this is word-for-word what I just heard a deep-voiced DJ say as I was parking my car after a long day, but it’s as close as I can remember it— the lady with him saying “Hm hm” all sassy after every sentence was definitely named Tammy, and the part about the Man Cave and the Batman symbol are nearly verbatim (though 5th annual I’m not sure) and I’m pretty sure he referred to the change over to lovesongs to be an “evening massage.” This is what it all sounded like in my brain, at least. It was totally worth writing down. This… needed memorializing…
(I don’t really listen to the radio much anymore, but…. I used to drive around for … maybe years (?) and when a certain kind of song would come on my radio I’d start saying this thing of… “A lot of you out there are saying Drums and Bass is dead, but … you’re wrong"— I heard a Eurotrash-sounding KCRW DJ with like a German accent yell that out one night all angry— angry! but like also exhausted with humanity for thinking that drums and bass might be dead…?— during the KCRW Drums and Bass Hour of Power or whatever. Like a Zoolander character. I mean, I wouldn’t just say that line— it turned into this whole thing about … “A lot of you say drums and bass are dead, but it’s not dead— your hearts are dead, and the innocence of the children inside of you are dead. But drums and bass is alive— ALIVE inside of you" in something that didn’t sound at all like a German accent but was as good as I could do. I would do this on long drives for like… fifteen minutes at a time… things.. things got pretty weird… it wasn’t even funny; it was just weird. I’m sure you have your weird shit too though, so, and yours are probably pretty creepy, like Halloween creepy, so…)
Weird Thing about Getting Old, Episode a Billion: I don’t really know what words people use anymore. Maybe that’s not a getting old thing— maybe that’s just a being a lame person and not talking to regular folks enough thing, though. But I was listening to a rap song the other day, and I thought, “heavens to betsy, the rapping in this rap song is indubitably wack" and then I thought, wait a minute— do people (like… the young people) still say wack? And I … I don’t really know. They should though— wack was a good word.
There’s a whole list of “90’s slang" over here and, like— it’s not a perfect list. At least, I don’t remember anyone saying "dip" or "let’s dip" — there was a rap song that went, like, "put your hand upon my hip you dip I dip we dip" — it was a real prom theme, a real anthem for the 90’s, but I don’t remember dip being a thing. So maybe it’s not the most trustworthy list in the world…
But… “just bring it with” is 90’s slang? Do people not say that anymore? ”All that”— all that wasn’t that bad an expression— it had a charm. Rachel Leigh Cook was All That, like, officially…? She was the official winner of All That, in North America and parts of Western Europe. It was quite an honor at the time. Or “back in the day”— back in the day is great; it’s such a great, evocative phrase. Back in the days when I was young I’m not a kid anymore….? Are future people going to hear that song and be like “What is … what is back in the day? Does not compute here in future— does not compute does not compute what … what does it mean to love, hu-man?" I reject your future dystopia where man has been replaced by the robot and Ahmad has been forgotten!! That’s like some Cormac McCarthy’s The Road shit.
Or Blazed? Blazed was okay— it made getting stoned and watching Scooby Doo sound a lot more heroic than maybe it was (depends on the episode; some of those episodes are pretty scary, so). Boo-ya (didn’t know what this meant then, don’t know what it means now, but people should keep saying it so I continue to feel forever young)? Chill out? It’s cashed (what replaced that??)? The Po Po? Shady? I don’t know. Maybe people still say this stuff— I don’t really know because all I talk about most days is lawsuits. Also, apparently, I don’t do enough drugs anymore— I think that’s sort of the corollary to all this I’m picking up on; I need to sharpen up my drug game. What do the kids today call it when you cough into a bong and bong-water get everywhere? Does that have a new name? Asking for a friend.
I don’t say it enough though, but seriously, word to all of your mothers, guys. That’s from the heart.
I was looking at the movie news to clear my head, and there’s this article about a movie Will Smith wants to make— “ In a world where one percent of all children are born as “brilliants,” Will Smith plays federal agent Nick Cooper, a fellow brilliant who’s especially gifted at hunting down terrorists” — blah blah blah. Usual bullshit— Will Smith is terrible. But they superimposed Wild Wild West’s face onto an ad for the book this nonsense is based on— check out the ad quotes, the one from CBS Sunday Morning.
"This is how immortality gets started." This is how IMMORTALITY gets started. This is how immortality gets STARTED. This is how immortality gets started. I’ve never heard of Marcus Sakey or read anything he’s written, but luckily I have from now to the END OF TIME ITSELF to catch up because his immortality has already gotten started, as it turns out. He puts it on his website, even— can you imagine putting that on your own website?? ”Hey, guys— turns out my immortality has been started. So I’ve got that going for me which is nice." Somebody’s mom put too many of his drawings on his fridge. This is how immortality gets started!!
Am I starting the morning ranting about a pull quote for an author I’ve never heard of and will probably never read, in connection with a movie I don’t want to see, starring an actor I don’t like (whose raps I also think are bad)? Yes. Proud moment? Maybe not the proudest, but— let’s not pretend I have a bunch of prouder moments to choose from. On the other hand, I’m also gifted at hunting down terrorists. Or, well, I’m gifted at hunting down good gifts for terrorists. Which is different, but same basic thing. Those guys who blew up that one embassy? I know exactly where to buy them chocolate. It’s a gift. Some would call it a curse, but then I’d buy them a gift and they’d be like, “No, this isn’t a curse at all. I love this scarf! I will treasure this scarf always and remember you long after you’re dead." And I like to think that’s how my immortality will get started. Awwwww.
Dumb Question Dept.: Do you think when Steve Martin passes away, we’re all going to be, like, “Oh, we should’ve taken a break from saying nice things about Bill Murray to mention Steve Martin more." Are we going to all have like a retroactive Tito Puente moment with Steve Martin? Granted, Steve Martin thought he was the Pink Panther there for a while, but Bill Murray thought he was Garfield plus I don’t think he can play the banjo. Murray’s into golf and sports, and I don’t really care about either of those things, but Martin’s… probably into fancy paintings or acting snooty or something, so I get why Murray’s the one you’d want to be around. But when Steve Martin sees everyone rubbing their nipples over Bill Murray, like what’s that like? Martin didn’t make Groundhog Day or Ghostbusters or Rushmore, or even Quick Change or Stripes or Caddyshack, but the Jerk’s pretty good, Planes Trains & Automobiles, Dirty Rotten Scoundrel is about con men, a good amount of LA Story (bad memory, there; it’s been a while), My Blue Heaven is an all-time favorite thing with me, Father of the Bride is actually a pretty good movie for its target audience (e.g/i.e. fathers of brides), the Spanish Prisoner, Bowfinger’s got some stuff. I know Martin would rather write for the New Yorker than run into college kid parties, but … so would I because I’m a grown-ass man…? I just don’t write good and/or give that much of a shit about New York because I’m not into i-banking.
I don’t know. Lately, I’ve just been feeling like we’re all Tito Puente-ing Steve Martin… (Murray’s right about Tito Puente in that movie, incidentally— Tito Puente’s great. FYI).
This was totally worth typing out. I regret nothing.
The tricky thing about having a little bit of the ol’ self-loathing going for background music is when I start to accidentally have a nice little moment, watching that just get all weird and messy. I had to work today, but I came home and I had a really nice last hour or two doing my this and that, tinkering around on my projects. And I got a little soft because I’m a softie, feeling like “Oh, I’m glad 10 years ago, I decided to ___ because that lead me to ____ and ___, and then somehow here I am.” All the little tiny decisions that make a little moment happens, all the little steps you have to take that all end up being what your life was. Just a nice little moment— could just enjoy it and then put on some music and enjoyed a warm, nostalgic evening of contentment.
But no, instead, within 5 seconds all that horseshit gets replaced with, “Then again, if I hadn’t of done those things, maybe I’d have found some other way to use that time.” 10 seconds after that: “Maybe I’d be a married astronaut right now. I’d have kids and a house by a lake. There’s no way to know.”
I just Sliding-Doors myself-ed, and now I’m basically all mad that I’m not Astronaut Mike Dexter. What the hell is that? I don’t even want to live by a stupid lake— there are flies and stuff, right? And what if you have to run from CHUDs or home invaders?? Can’t run on a stupid lake, Dexter. Mike-Dexter-me might be smart enough to go into space, but he’s got shitty tastes in housing and/or defending himself from CHUDs. My life, I don’t own a house but you see any CHUDs around? Answer: no. So who came out ahead?? Which of us won??
Goddammit, it’s going to be a long week.