Twist Street

Sam Westing, Barney Northrup, Sandy McSouthers, Julian R. Eastman, & Me

Posts tagged I Love You Too Much Internet

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I just spent the last five minutes trying to fact-check a story famous old-time Hollywood actor Charles Laughton’s pimp told about Laughton eating a sandwich with human feces smeared on it.  (Survey says maybe-probably not true…?  On the other hand, don’t we all want Charles Laughton Scat-Fetish Tales to be true?  … No?  We don’t?  Oh okay— wasn’t sure— life has so many mysteries to solve!!). Thanks, Buzzfeed!  Never going to regret how I spent my life!

I just spent the last five minutes trying to fact-check a story famous old-time Hollywood actor Charles Laughton’s pimp told about Laughton eating a sandwich with human feces smeared on it.  (Survey says maybe-probably not true…?  On the other hand, don’t we all want Charles Laughton Scat-Fetish Tales to be true?  … No?  We don’t?  Oh okay— wasn’t sure— life has so many mysteries to solve!!). Thanks, Buzzfeed!  Never going to regret how I spent my life!

Filed under I Love You Too Much Internet

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I found out that my husband of less than a year was cheating on me - though I found this out face to face, not via phone or computer. I was obviously gutted. I decided to try and work things out with him (not a genius plan, surprise) and a few days after I found out, he went out one night and left his laptop with his work email up. After deliberating for an hour or more, I finally searched her name in his email.

It was really bad. It had been going on for almost 6 months. He was the instigator. There were emails and calendar events. Dates when he borrowed my car, dates when he was out of town for work, dates when I was hanging out with friends. Sadly, my grandfather passed away on my birthday a few months before I found out about this. My family is very close and offered to fly us both back to the memorial. He told me he couldn’t go because of work. I discovered through the emails that he lied about having to work and used the days I was out of town to plan a weekend with her. Yeah.

There were dozens of stories like this, though that was the most painful. It was like the end of The Sixth Sense. It was very hard to see, but I honestly needed to see it.
Man, Aziz Ansari’s Modern Dating/relationships questionnaire— if I didn’t have things to do at work, this would be my entire day.  I would make popcorn.  It’d be just like the end of the Sixth Sense— at the end, it’d turn out I was a ghost the entire time.  (?)

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1,826,217 Plays
Hieronymus Bosch
The Music Written on This Dude's Butt

chaoscontrolled123:

Luke and I were looking at Hieronymus Bosch’s painting The Garden of Earthly Delights and discovered, much to our amusement, music written upon the posterior of one of the many tortured denizens of the rightmost panel of the painting which is intended to represent Hell. I decided to transcribe it into modern notation, assuming the second line of the staff is C, as is common for chants of this era.

so yes this is LITERALLY the 600-years-old butt song from hell

EDIT: I still can’t believe this took off like it did this is crazy??? Just wanted to let people know that there are indeed errors in the transcription and this is indeed not a very good recording (I threw this together in like 30 minutes at 1 in the morning,) but I’m working with the music department at my college to get the transcription more accurate!

in the meantime enjoy this fantastic choral arrangement by wellmanicuredman i’m in love

Filed under Songs. I Love You Too Much Internet

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Come on, you guys!  Come on!  There’s a beer I drank in college, a professor got me drinking, Fullers ESB, which is a beer that always made me feel happy for some reason.  It’s a beer a lot of places don’t carry, but I went to a place that had it and enjoyed one or two tonight, (not such that I’m inebriated by any means so please don’t take this as an inebriated drunky-drunk thing). And I was in a good mood all day to begin with, so maybe I’m what Verbal Kint would call an “unreliable narrator.”  But my point, here’s my point:  my point is come on, internet!  I just looked at gifs of model ladies in kinda-superhero costumes looking foxy, and then I followed it almost immediately by looking at gifs of Halloween cats doing funky Halloween stuff, all cute and whatever.  This is great; we’re all having a great time!  I’m going to go do things that aren’t about the internet now because it’s finally the weekend and I got my work done and so forth, but in conclusion and summation:  come on. 

Come on, you guys!  Come on!  There’s a beer I drank in college, a professor got me drinking, Fullers ESB, which is a beer that always made me feel happy for some reason.  It’s a beer a lot of places don’t carry, but I went to a place that had it and enjoyed one or two tonight, (not such that I’m inebriated by any means so please don’t take this as an inebriated drunky-drunk thing). And I was in a good mood all day to begin with, so maybe I’m what Verbal Kint would call an “unreliable narrator.”  But my point, here’s my point:  my point is come on, internet!  I just looked at gifs of model ladies in kinda-superhero costumes looking foxy, and then I followed it almost immediately by looking at gifs of Halloween cats doing funky Halloween stuff, all cute and whatever.  This is great; we’re all having a great time!  I’m going to go do things that aren’t about the internet now because it’s finally the weekend and I got my work done and so forth, but in conclusion and summation:  come on

Filed under I am Pointless! I Love You Too Much Internet

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Dream On

newyorker:

image

Alec Wilkinson writes about Shadow, a project to archive the world’s dreams, and Hunter Lee Soik, its founder: http://nyr.kr/1b7Zl3i

“‘What would happen if we created a space where dreams were organized?’ Soik continued. ‘Show me every car dream. Show me every car dream in Moscow. Show me every red-car dream that involved men living in Las Vegas. Compare that to Tokyo or Paris. Do famous people dream differently? Do you have more positive dreams if you have more money in the bank?’”

Illustration by Tom Bachtell.

(Source: newyorker.com)

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The problem with binge-watching this show Hannibal isn’t anything about the show— it’s that when I get on the internet later, with the way I use the internet, things don’t go well.  Basically, in case you need reminding on this, don’t read up too much on Japanese performance artists.  There aren’t even any Japanese performing artists on the TV show Hannibal! (Spoiler warning?).  But don’t let one thing to lead to another when another = clicking a link about Japanese performance artists, basically…

The problem with binge-watching this show Hannibal isn’t anything about the show— it’s that when I get on the internet later, with the way I use the internet, things don’t go well.  Basically, in case you need reminding on this, don’t read up too much on Japanese performance artists.  There aren’t even any Japanese performing artists on the TV show Hannibal! (Spoiler warning?).  But don’t let one thing to lead to another when another = clicking a link about Japanese performance artists, basically

Filed under I Love You Too Much Internet Civilization is Doomed. All I Ever Write About on this blog is Television...

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You know what would be great? If anytime anyone even remotely famous or famous-adjacent to something of interest to geeky shut-in internet user types trapped in miserable office jobs looking for a few brief moments of respite from their dreary lives, if a person like that said or did anything at all unusual, no matter how tiny or unimportant or stupid or innocuous, it would be great if there were all of these websites that would repeat that one tiny thing. But wait, here’s the twist: each of them could have some 20-something underpaid brat adding a little line to the story, something that almost resembles humor but isn’t actually witty or funny in anyway, and just makes you wonder about their priorities or how they live their life. "According to another website, Alf told a German newspaper that he ‘likes eating cats.’ … Well, I guess somebody never heard of sandwiches, huh, Alf? Yonk yonk yonk." That sort of thing, where you go, “oh, I bet when they were children, they dreamed of being writers or journalists and this is sort of that dream coming horrifically true. Life is a terrible meaningless empty game nobody wins! Whee!” That should totally happen every single day, again and again, on dozens upon dozens of websites, all of them grotesquely desperate for “monetizable content” and staffed apparently exclusively by people so piss-desperate for attention that living their lives like a C-list member of one of those VH-1 “remember the 90’s shows” sounds like a good idea instead of fucking deeply depressing.

Oh howdy, that’d be wonderful. Just wonderful.
The devil.  The actual devil.

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That girl you’re talking to on a dating/matchmaking site? She’s not real. On average across the “dating” industry, 97% of the profiles are male. And companies spend heavily on bots with pretty girl pictures to send you winks, flirts, etc. Most sites the software is smart enough to carry on a chat with you as well, though once they detect an engaged conversation they will hand it off to a real person in the “dating” equivalent of a call center. These are known as “marketing profiles” and they are there to get you to sign up for a paid membership.

Former Little Caesar’s employee here. We advertise that our cheese is a blend of mozzarella and muenster, but in reality the bags come labeled as vegetable oil that has undergone some chemical process to make it cheese -like. So there’s no cheese on your Hot and Ready pizza.

Never drink from a soda can, in fact, always sanitize the lid of every can you intend to open. We warehoused them in skids, and rats would run across them, a lot…leaving urine and faeces trails behind…I am still surprised at the number of people who are unaware of this information to this day!

All milk is basically cowshit tea. There is a ton of cowshit that gets into the milk through the machine that milks them and usually it just sits there in the tank just steeping until the truck comes to pick it up and take it to wherever pasteurizes it and puts it through a shitty screen filter, so it does get sterilized but it’s still pretty gross.

If you sign into your online banking site and leave yourself signed in while browsing the web, the bank monitors the sites you visit and the searches you make.

Do not have sex in the bridal suite of any catering venue. They’ll more than likely have hidden cameras and the tapes do get reviewed.

There are way more elevators than funds for elevator inspectors.

I worked at a food court a&w through highschool and on my very first shift they passed me a joint and a cigarette as they were flipping burgers. This was an hourly occurrence… And ashes definitely fell on the frying burgers. Also, the fryer was cleaned out… Once a year? Maybe twice? My manager thought the good tasted better with “aged oil”. He was also a sexual harasser and did cocaine off the prep area one time.

I am an Infection Control Practitioner at a top-rated hospital. There are many problems in the health care industry, but the majority of health-care workers (HCWs) are in it for the right reasons and truly want to help, even those who make it to the top. One of the most disturbing things about these people, however, as much good as they earnestly want to do, is that often common-sense safety practices are pushed to the wayside. Hospital-acquired infections are common, expensive, and devastating to many patients, but are also easily preventable with proper patient safety technique. Not many know, but simple HAND HYGIENE is the worst. The standard rate of hand hygiene compliance for HCWs throughout the county is about 50%. That’s right, about 50% of the time when someone is receiving care, his/her HCW has not washed/sanitized their hands beforehand.

Also, don’t drink the milkshakes from McDonalds. Just don’t.
Aaah, I can’t stop reading Industry Secrets.  (I really love the person still traumatized by working for some dude doing coke in a mall food court A&W— that is like a miniature Jody Hill movie)… 

Filed under Civilization is Doomed. I Love You Too Much Internet best of year 2013 questionmark