I am working all weekend in a sweaty law office— I can’t think anymore. But preserved for eternity by Wikipedia— here are my favorite titles for episodes of Hellcats, the CW’s long-cancelled cheerleading show which I never saw but apparently is a thing that existed and also a thing that gave titles to its episode because that is a thing TV shows do for some reason. I’m not saying they’re the best Hellcats episode titles; you probably have your own favorites— I’m not trying to start an argument; these are just my favorites—
- “Back of a Car.” This one’s pretty saucy— those CW shows get pretty racy, from what I hear. It’s pretty shocking. When I was a kid, Brenda Walsh deciding to go all the way with Dylan McKay at the spring dance was a big thing. Crack was ravaging the inner city, and the AIDS epidemic was in full swing. It was a more innocent time.
- “Ragged Old Flag.” This one’s just very moving for me, as an American.
- “God Must Have My Fortune Laid Away.” I really like this one. What does it mean? I don’t know. I just like that Hellcats went super-deep on this one. Was this episode written by a 60 year old woman who’s lived her some life, wearing a cowboy hat and drinking out of a flask, whose last two husbands both died of heart attacks because they couldn’t keep up with her lovemaking? I certainly hope so!
- “Fancy Dan.” Fancy Dan! This one’s like a poster of a penguin wearing a fedora. I want to go to Reno with Fancy Dan; have him teach me Baccarat in the Biggest Little City in the World. Fancy Dan fun-fact: this episode was directed by John Dahl, who directed that movie Rounders that a lot of dudes my age took way too seriously way back when.
- “Don’t Make Promises (You Can’t Keep).” I don’t know why I find parentheticals in titles funny but I basically have my whole life. That’s been funny and ridiculous to me as long as I’ve been alive. My all-time favorite is obviously “Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now).” Just makes me giggle.
- “I’m Sick Y’all.” This was the title of the season/series finale. We never got to find out what kind of titles the Hellcats team would’ve come up with in season two. I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t hurt. If a show with episode titles this good can’t make it, isn’t it really society that’s sick, y’all?
- Honorary Mentions: ”The Prisoner’s Song” and “Papa, Oh Papa.”