Thieves stole a man’s penis while he slept, according to police. Fei Lin, 41, of the Niqiao village near Wenling City, in east China’s Zhejiang province, told police he was asleep when the thieves burst into his room and put a bag over his head. “They put something over my head and pulled down my trousers and then they ran off,” Lin said. “I was so shocked I didn’t feel a thing - then I saw I was bleeding and my penis was gone.” Police believe the attackers were jealous lovers of several local women whom Lin was having affairs with, the Austrian Times reported. Lin denied taking part in any infidelity. The penis thieves are nowhere to be found, but police said they’re looking for the jealous lovers.
Is “stole” really the best word for this story? I feel like there should be a better word— severed; chopped off; hacked; dismembered. Stole make it sounds like he should be checking area pawn shops. ”Penis thieves” sound like low-rent cat burglars, whereas “Penis rippers” sound like they should be fighting Mad Max for oil in the Outback. If I ever teamed up with a buddy and hacked off a rival man’s penis, one of the terms and conditions I’d insist on would be that the preferred nomenclature for our gang would definitely be The Penis Rippers. We’d get leather jackets, like the Pin Pals, with blood-spouting penises drawn on the back, or maybe just cool patches— I really love old air force patches, if you’ve ever seen those. Someone should bring patches back. Maybe they’re not in fashion or considered cool anymore, but even if they’re not in fashion, if the Penis Rippers were to have patches, I don’t think too many people would be objecting out loud for fear of, you know, a rip roaring penis harvest ensuing. It’s almost too perfect, if you think about it.